A Great Love?

Ahh so you see....

I keep wanting to write another dating blog entry, but i just can't tell y'all what's been going on!
For one because, what's going on keeps changing. And for two because, I came here to laugh at my dating foibles, not divulge the really personal dirt on me, and certainly not on someone else, who didn't sign up for this.

As date one said to me yesterday, to misquote: "it's better if people like you and me don't have the internet, to show everyone how crazy we are".

It is tricky. In this age of exposure we have to be constantly asking ourselves, what to keep secret, what to reveal.

So instead I want to tell you that I am thinking about love lately.
Just that little topic, that is all.

Right now, my cat is sitting in my lap, she will climb any body and surmount any obstacle to be in my lap, or as close to me as possible. She is sitting in my lap purring her heart out, and periodically cranes her neck and tips her head right back so she can look at me, eyes squinted into a smile, and the look, I tell you, it is the look of love.

Pet love. It's so mutual. Me and moosh... we gotta good thing going on (not in a weird, beastiality, jazz song sort of way!) I believe in it, it's predictable and entirely untroubling. We are happy together. I supply the biscuits, she supplies the cuteness and softness. Last night she woke me up at 4.30am meowing outside the window, this i dont' love. She's getting into the habit of it so I have to figure out how to stop her doing it, I am a BAD bad personwhen i'm sleep deprived. So last night i opened the door, grabbed her, smacked her bum :( and growled STOP MEOWING. oh my moosh. i hate doing it. i really hate it, i think it will be the last time. Well... today i got home and lo, there was the tiny little body of a dead, entirely beheaded mouse on my doormat! I opened the door and moosh rushed in purring and saying did you see? I swoop her little rag doll soft purring body into my arms, press her fur to my face and say yes, i saw moosh, thank you for the mouse! And we are friends again. A simple love. A love I can understand.

But the other kinds of love? I'm just not sure...

Primarily because people get married, AND divorced.
I am the first person to say people are complicated... but seriously...
You love someone and you say get everyone you know together and spend $30,000 on one day just to say you PROMISE you will stay with them forever! You buy lots of things together, big things like houses, you have children together! Holy shit! What is there left to give to a relationship!?
And then two, five, twenty years go by and here you are and you hate them, the ways you hate them are twisted like twine into a rope as thick as the arms of gods down into the furnace in the centre of the eart. You cheat on them. And you leave them. This probably happens a million times a second world over or some impressive statistic.
So WTF happened??? What is love, that it can completely perish, completely.

When I hear about middle aged or old couples who are still together after all the years, i admire their tenacity. When i hear of middle aged or old couples who are still IN LOVE, I MARVEL. I AWE. They are a strange, freaky, mystical thing, like fairies.

If most relationships transpire into ... a rotten mess... isn't it then more accurate to think of 'love' as a fleeting, albeit mentally and physically overwhelming bout of passion, like hunger, or lust?
Why do we make so much more of it then than these simple cravings? Do we just so badly need something to believe in, in this dry, often bleak, predictable and short life?
Isn't love to people, what god is to the religious: just a very comforting thought?

So to add to that sentiment.. why do people, with few exceptions, want so badly to be IN LOVE? They do don't they? Don't you? When it seems to me, that being in love, is like being very hungry, and someone else holding the kai.

It reminds me of that saying: no news is good news. The blandest way of being happy about your circumstances, just acknowledging that it could be worse.

Do we just send ourselves out to find love, and form relationships, because the alternative is mildly less appealing?

Sigh.

Do I sound like a woman burnt? Scorned? A jilted lover?
It's true, I am.
I need to hear some good news.
I would like to believe in love, to be comforted, and I am struggling.

I facestalked a person I met recently to discover they and their fiance entered a competition to win the wedding of their dreams so they could bring the brides family to NZ from Brazil for the wedding, which they otherwise could never afford. The facebook profile called x and y's wedding wish outlines the events of their meeting, the dogged determination with which they maintained a long distance relationship, the age gap the traversed, the romantic proposal, dotted with photo's of the truely happy looking couple... and i got tears in my eyes.

Why tears?
It was like seeing a fairy.
No, I don't believe in fairies, but when you get a glimpse of something you think might be one, you look, and let yourself beleive in them just for a moment, because deep down inside we alll do want just to believe.