I'm on Tinder.
You are judging me but I'm not.
I figure, if you want to meet a Great Guy... scratch that, if you want to meet a guy who's unique breed of crazy and annoying you can tolerate, who finds your unique breed of crazy and annoying tolerable, then you gotta meet guys, full stop.
Kiss a few frogs isn't that what they say?
And I'll tell you the truth, it's fun, the pre-dating, swiping phase. It's fun like Candy Crush is fun. It fills in time when you're too lazy to do anything else and don't want to think. It requires next to no physical exertion or brain activation, it satisfies your voyeuristic urges, and your sense of desire to connect with others (whilst connecting with nothing but the WIFI), and your tribal urge to feel desirable and like you belong to a group, whilst judging and discriminating against others from your lofty perch - which if we're honest, is a sport that everyone loves.
It kind of feels like a game, a bit like 'dating bingo' like if you just swipe left and right enough times in the right combination your Great Guy is going to manifest. I like to think I'm actually 'improving' at Tinder, honing my skill at making snap judgements based on ten words, an age bracket and three pics. I'm hoping to level up soon.
But here's the thing: every guy on Tinder is a variation of exactly the same guy. Really.
To the point where I'm having to question if every guy in the WORLD is a slight variation of every other guy. Which is a wholely depressing thought, if they are, and they're like the guys on Tinder.
But then I think it's more likely that a certain type of guy a) isn't in a long term relationship by the age of 30-45 (begs many questions) and b)Tinders.
Which naturally begs the question, what does being single at 35 and tindering say about me? But that is for another post, this post is about Tinder profiles say about 'them', because you know, why not mine that for hilarity.
Here is an Entirely Truthful, Uncensored Summary of Every Guy on Tinder:
"I'm an all round good guy/genuine guy/loyal guy"
"I like the outdoors"
Me on a boat/with a fish/kissing the dead fish/untangling line/fishing
"I'm into sports and barbecues"
Me jumping off something
Me with a chick/chicks, we're drunk/laughing - I know chicks
Me and a performance car/classic car/motor cross bike
Me in a flat peak cap
Me with a bunch of my mates, posing, drunk, I'm the ugly/fat one
"I like barbecues, sports"
Me throwing up gang signs like a white guy/giving knuckles to the camera/flipping the bird
Me with my eyes closed - I'm crazy/fun (drunk)
Me with my tongue out - I'm crazy/fun (awkward)
Me at a wedding
Me at a beach
Me taking this selfie
Me hunting
I'm can't spel or now grammar
I like fitness/running/karate/keeping fit/eating healthy (it's stunning the high percentage of guys who like 'eating healthy'!)
Me with a living/dead lion/tiger/kangaroo
Me in Thailand
Me, I'm Indian
My tattoos of skulls/my tribal sleeve
Me hiding my receding hairline with cropping
Me with a beer/magnum/rum and coke in a glass bottle
I'm 6'3 - FYI
I'm 5'11 - I don't care
"Live is for living" "Your only get on life, so live it!" "Loving life" "Live your Life!"
Me in my sharkies/aviators/wanker at a house club glasses
Me - I'm bald
Me in a suit "I own a business'' "I'm successful" "Rich" "I work odd hours" "In Singapore"
Me in my league team t-shirt/generic hallensteins t-shirt
Me surfing/wind surfing/SUP'ing
"I'm fun, easy going, down to earth"
"Don't want no drama, had enough of that" "Don't want negativity" "no baggage"
No pictures of my face
Me at a gym looking painfully muscular
Me in dress up, as a woman
Me and my dog or sometimes cat (this one is totally acceptable)
Me holding a beer, with a gut, giving a thumbs up
"I'm a DJ"
"Looking for a down to earth/easy going girl, who lives a laugh, likes to go out but also stay in and Looks After Herself"
I'm a geek and afraid to meet women in the real world/have a lazy eye
Me with a C grade sports celebrity
Me looking great (then) and looking my age and overweight (now)
Me with my kids "my kids are my life"
Me pretending to hump a dude
Me and my mates, really drunk
Me drinking/drunk
And that's it ladies and gentlemen.
And now in the interests of gender equality I will admit that my Tinder profile is in fact, a collection of trotted out cliche's as well! Fitness, nature, food, I mean, I've tried to jazz it up with a bit of cleverness, a three syllable word, a little wit. But I just have to hope that my genuine smile and reasonably attractive physique will radiate through the generic-ness and catch the eye of the one of the rare outliers on Tinder, you know, the Great Guy who just simply hasn't met his match yet, and I'm it, before the bomb explodes, or the chocolate gets me.
Wish me luck and stay tuned!
I do in fact have one real-world, funny in a bad way date to report on, but will save that for the next time I'm stuck at home with nothing to do, which will probably be tomorrow because I'm on lock down with my beloved cat for seven days after her major surgery.
Ho ho ho!
