No more dating.

Well, I have decided officially (small panel consisting of three teddy bears, 1 cat and my workmate) to extricate myself from the 'dating game' and have removed my profile from findsomeone.

There i was last night, dredging my way through profiles, looking unenthusiastically into the same set of faces, lined with age, drawn by heart break and dulled by disappointment and the words: Grave yard, popped into my head.

Findsomeone is a grave yard.
A cemetry of dashed hopes and broken dreams, a cache of damaged, unloveable people.
And I heard my inner cynic, that had been muttering away the whole time, suddenly raise his voice to a shout.

I'm speaking from experience, i've met with say.. 6 guys from findsomeone? and they were all slightly... askew. That's not to say that weird, askew people can't be loved too. I just.. am not feeling that charitable these days I guess.

And the idea that any minute now... with just one eager finger click I will simply fall on ... not even the 'love of my life' which is an idea i matured into considering too unrealistic to put stock in years ago ... but even just someone GREAT.. it's just not holding water anymore.
Drip, drip, WOOSH. All the water has fallen out.

There's this aweful, underlying tone to dating and especially on line dating, that is that we are all judging and critquing each other SO HARSHLY. No one is given a fair chance, and we are all so incompatible because the only thing we have in common for sure is that we're single, and desperate enough to do online dating! Not a good start.
I'm sorry i shouldn't say desperate. The word that shouldn't be mentioned. But there it is.

Yeah yeah, i know this means me to. Dead as a doornail. Roll me over and inject me full of embalming fluid. I know, i know.

Maybe it's my menstrual cycle. But i'm just sick of the whole damn thing.
I'm sick of having the 'what single friends have you got' conversation with all of my various groups of friends.
I'm sick of pimping myself. I'm sick of being pimped.
Not that I've had any really terrible dates lately, but even the 'nice' average and good dates feel like a waste of time.
I'd rather be surfing.
I'd rather be sleeping.
I'd rather be reading, I should be playing guitar. I'd rather be with friends.
I'm sick of being defined by not being in a couple, what about: female, musical, naturopath, blonde, generous, good friend, fit, good cook.. what about all the other labels? I'm sick of them all getting usurped for that one. single. one.

I have one invite to jam and one invite to coffee and another invite to ice creams at devonport this weekend, and i don't want any of them. the dates or the guys.
I want to go away camping and surfing with friends, or by myself, with a book and a coffee plunger and a little gas stove, now THAT sounds like bliss.

I'm sick of having desire for something I don't have.
I just want to have what i do have. It's good here. Things are good.

If you know me, you know i'm as tempestuous as the seven sea's, changeable as aucklands weather and as contrary as mary and i'll probably be back on the pimp me out wagon waving the single and keen flag in no time.

But for now, shutting down my account has made me feel very calm.