Hi. So I was with friends last night and one Frank Friend was like:
"So, Clare, we got married and had a baby; samantha* and brad* (names changed to protect identity) got together and have been to x, y and z exotic travel ... what have you been doing?
And I am like AARRRRGGGH.
First of all, you should have emailed me that question a week ago so I could formulate an answer that would make everybody happy.
Second of all AaARRRGGGH!
One of my best friends actually will not go to things: parties, dinners, birthdays etc. because she hates being asked 'so what are you doing now?'
"Oh, you know, working in a really dissatisfying office with the culture of a toilet bowl earning just enough to subsit on because it turned out i didn't really have the talent/guts to become what i dreamed of becoming since i was five"
So i'm like AAARGH, i've been doing stuff!
Fortunately i have my 'band' to talk about, it makes people comfortable when you have hobbies to talk about, that's mainly why i have hobbies actually.
And then seriously, Frank Friend says: WHY are you stil SINGLE!?
It's the eighth wonder of the world, isn't it?!
But inside i'm like:
ARE YOU KIDDING ME SERIOUS FOR REAL??
What does he expect me to say: Oh! my god! (like i just remembered i left rice on the stove), gosh you're right, gee i just got swept away watching survivor samoa on tv on demand and playing internet checkers and COMPLETELY forgot to get around to finding my SOUL MATE!
But hey, never too late! let me get right on that!
But what I say instead is the truth: the dating pool is full of slime.
And my Frank Friend says, so write about that in your blog!
So here I am trying to get the guts up to tell you about what it's like out there.
But it's a bit like telling you about my really ugly, contagious rash: interesting to others to view, but not touch, embarrasing and shameful to me. Ah.. sigh.
After my last date. I am thinking seriously about writing a 'how to' dating book for men. I am not going to go into detail about the date, except to say he was Too Old for me. In a way that made me cringe the second I saw him. Not that I didn't give him a chance, but ... well, he talked too much, okay maybe he was nervous i'll give him that, but he stole every story out of my mouth, you know i'd start talking and he'd launch right in and go YEAH YEAH ME ME ME THIS ONE TIME I I I
but he was probably trying to impress me and i'll forgive that.
he was just too old, i'll be honest.
But not old enough to pay apparently!
Because when we go to leave, and are standing at the counter, he says 'go ya halves'?
And i imagine i'm visibly shocked, and go, oh, yeah sure.
And he goes 'yeah, don't know what the deal is with paying these days'
And i'm thinking: BUDDY.
same as it's always been: You pay.
Nothings changed since the first time you were dating in the 60's (lol).
You asked me out for drinks and you're the dude and it's just bad manners not to pay!
Man.
Am I right here though people?
You know, women, we'll work, have the babies and just keep right on working, be in the army, fix cars, lift our own heavy shit (mostly), do all the cooking and cleaning and other women's stuff, keep our vijayjays waxed and pour cream on our faces so they'll be nice for you to look at, and all we ask is a little bit of manners and romance from our boyfriends and dates, and i think they should just f*cking well MAN UP.
Right where was I.
Oh well long story short cuz i'm not really giving any juice goss, there was no touching, i established a nice, wide personal boundary around me that i imagined had blinking lights saying 'NO We WILL NOT BE HAVING AN END OF DATE KISS'.
And it was all very 'nice' and i stifled yawns and he walked me to my car and as he walked away i saw for the first time that his really ugle Auckland Man shirt was clinging like a clingy two year old to his old man love handle fat back and his really ill fitting jeans were escaping up his wedgie and he kind of had a limp and while i wish him nothing but happiness, I just am not going to get toe up under a man like that. And tha's final. (i mean, you know, not on the first date, i mean like, EVER).
And then i started thinking about giving up dating.
it's like if you walked for hours and hours up a steep track in the summer sun imagining there was a cool, fresh water pool at the top of it and you were parched and exhausted when you got there and the pool was actually a very shallow puddle of warm water in a rock pool of slime with grit at the bottom and maybe oysters to scratch your ass.
wouldn't that be your last jungle trek?
But then Brad* and Samantha* gave me a twinkle of hope, Brad* has a few lovely single guy friends for me to meet and Samantha* and Brad* are going to have a barbecue that will actually be a covert operation to get all their single male friends in one room, and me, and no other hot girls (how is this for personlised dating programme) so i can meet them all, and it will be like the show the bachalorette, but i won't give them a rose each and tell them they can stay in the house.
Please let there be one guy who is at least simultaneously nice looking, interesting, and nice. It seems like the impossible triphector for some reason.
I seriously am about to give up and become a cat lady.
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